I always wanted an accidental pregnancy.
Not the soul-destroying sort of accidental pregnancy, where none of the options sound right and you can’t decide if it would be worse to abort the baby or keep it, but the sort of accidental pregnancy that you laugh about with friends later down the line, as you stand in the garden watching your three-year-old tear after his bigger siblings. The sort where you’re secretly glad because you were longing for another baby but couldn’t quite justify one to yourself. The sort of accidental pregnancy where you are secretly grateful to the universe for making the decision for you, where you can’t imagine not having this tiny force of nature in your life.
I wanted one of those. When I was young, when I was still half-hoping that this thing with Kirsty was a phase and we’d go back to being life-long friends and live next door to each other, go to the same mother and baby groups, pop over the fence to have barbeque dinners in each others’ gardens with our spouses. That was what I wanted, a boy child and a girl child and an accidental third.
We didn’t have a boy child and then a girl child. We had two perfect boys all at once. But I do want that third, and given the cost of IVF I do wish that it could just be a case of Late period – surprise! Baby! like so many friends have experienced.
I once told a friend, tongue-in-cheek, that I felt sorry for him. I got to experience every stage of the conception of my children. I watched my follicles swell with eggs, I have a print-out of the embryos that became my sons. He had a surprise child; really, the only thing that was a surprise about my children was the sexes and even THAT wasn’t much of a surprise as I ‘knew’ deep-down that they were both boys.
I want an accident. I want a surprise. I want a child conceived after a magical night with dessert and wine, a moment of realisation that my period is late. I want to take a test without that nauseating terror that thousands of pounds of our money has gone in to this moment, that if the test proves negative my body will have let my family down and we won’t have the money to try again for years. I want conception to be carefree, to be easy.
I want an accidental third.
I’ll settle for just a third.
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