May was a bit of a tricky month for me. I think they might all be a bit tricky until the girls are here though. I had a couple of hospital admissions, one for a chest infection and one for a particularly dramatic faint – I have a post coming up about this, actually. It turns out that I’m more anaemic than I had thought and am frantically necking iron, vitamin C and folic acid in an attempt to get it back up again. It’s meant that I’m a little behind with the blog as all of my energy has been poured into staying somewhat functional at work, or at least managing to show my face, so if you’re reading this and you’re waiting on something from me I promise that I haven’t forgotten about you.
Until recently I would have said that this has been by far the easier pregnancy but actually it’s been tough recently. I feel guilty all of the time – guilty that I count down the minutes until I can see my kids and then count down the minutes until they’ve gone away again, guilty that I’m relying on Kirsty an awful lot these days, guilty that I know that I’m not giving my amazing boss and colleagues one hundred percent of me when I’m at work. Guilty that I just crash at weekends, that I don’t have it in me to be sociable – I just want to sleep but I can’t sleep because these dreadful babies are trying to push their way out via my ribcage. Guilty that I couldn’t even set up the interval timer to take these pictures myself, Kirsty had to do it and then I snapped at her because the angle wasn’t ‘right’.
And don’t even get me started on the dog. I can’t bend low enough to pet my dog and I can’t snuggle with her on the sofa because sitting back like that squishes my ribs onto the babies and I can barely walk to the shops, much less take her to the woods and I just –
I just can’t. I can’t do much of anything right now.
I was thinking recently that perhaps I should take a few days off of work to make the most of Kirsty and the small folk but I know that the vision in my head won’t match up to the reality.
But there have been some bright spots. We spent our first full month in our new little home and it’s starting to come together thanks to IKEA and Kirsty and in no part thanks to me! We’re falling in love with the house and the street itself, which is surrounded by green space and within walking distance, even for me, of one of those gorgeous old-fashioned bakeries that have queues coming out of the door early on a Saturday morning. There is a park close by for the boys and a new set of woods for the dog to explore and my commute is much simpler here than at our last little flat.
And I’m happy. Underneath this sediment of guilt and discomfort I’m so happy at where we are in life right now and so proud of Kirsty for holding all of us together. I just need to keep reminding myself of that when I’m having another can’t-quite-function day.
So what else happened in May? I had an exciting morning with the Supernanny, Jo Frost, when I was invited to meet with her in London and ask her my questions about her #Bathbookbed routine. I don’t think I’ve ever had so many videocameras on me at once, which felt rather strange, but it was super fun. Speaking of videocameras, our Youtube Channel got off to a bit of a slow start but thanks to our Channel Mum collaboration is starting to do rather well now. Kirsty has been managing it for the most part but when Channel Mum invited me to film a couple of pregnancy fitness videos with Liberty X star Michelle Heaton, I couldn’t resist having a try. I can’t wait for the videos to go live – I only hope that they edit out the bit where I tried an overambitious squat and couldn’t get back up again!
One of my closest friends had the most adorable squish of a baby earlier this month and I was privileged to be there to document some of her labour. He is wonderful and she was wonderful and it’s making me feel so broody to get my hands on mine. Every time I review the footage I choke up a little because oh, that is going to be us soon.
We hit 32 weeks in May (I’m 33 + a bit now) which means that if the little girls decide to come early they can be delivered at, and stay at, our local hospital. I don’t feel like they’re going to make an escape any time soon but they are so strong and so active that I think they will be bigger than their brothers were when they were born, which I’m pleased about – even at 38 weeks, Balthazar in particular seemed very ‘premature’ in his dealings with the world, I guess some babies do just mature a bit later. I’ve been a bit up and down since learning that the babies were breech, threatening my home birth, but thankfully twin one has flipped her clever self head-down now.
The boys have settled in to their new home beautifully. They love having stairs to play on and more cupboards to climb into and more space in which to chase each other about. They seem to have grown so much this month and become such little people, physically bigger and stronger and louder. Balthazar just walks around shouting these days and Lysander is such a little monkey, demanding constant cuddles from his mummy. It’s interesting to me how much their interests differ from each other too, with one a bookworm and one easily bored by books at the moment. Lysander has a tiny toy hoover, a miniature version of our Henry, that he is enamoured with – he demands to have it on constantly and if he catches us turning it off, comes over to press the button again! They are so wonderful. Kirsty has started filming a ‘twin moments’ series that really capture them as they are now; I think we’ll really treasure these clips as time flies by.
Finally, this month has been a good one for the blog. We learnt that we have made the finals in the Best Pregnancy category in the MAD Blog Awards and in the Photo category in the Brilliance in Blogging Awards. I’m not sure that this year is my year so I haven’t really asked for votes and I won’t do so now, but it’s certainly an honour to make the finals. Thank you to everybody who nominated and voted for me!
So here are our pictures for May. I wonder whether we will still be a family of five (on the outside) next month?